Got the marriage licence… A love story, the end of a long road, the start of a new journey!
This posting is very personal and very long. I know many readers of this blog are dating a Filipina, engaged, or in a relationship with a Filipina. Here’s our story. In my last posting, I mentioned that Rebecca and I were in Abulug last weekend. We were there for a very specific reason: Our interview with Father Carlos, to say prayers at Piat (Next posting), and the trip to the municipality to apply for our marriage licence.
The start of the new journey will be our married life together. The long road is what it took to get here. I’ll explain. Rebecca is what you would call very traditional… She has very simple needs and wants, and a very strong character and personal faith. I have been married two times previously, and was technically still married when we first dated. I was traipsing around the world and, quite frankly, the travel took a very heavy toll on my marriage. Rebecca was working in Abu Dhabi, supporting her family, with her brother and roommates. Her day consisted of work, cook, clean, sleep, start over again… Very little time for a social life or anything other than making a living. Not very exotic or glamorous, eh? I knew Becky for three years, since she worked for an agent of my company. We used to flirt a little, talk, and so on, when I was in town on business. I had a meeting that was postponed and ended up coming to Dubai early from Kuwait. I thought, I have a free day, Rebecca never goes anywhere, I’ll see if she wants to play tourist for the day. I was soundly rejected. Three more times rejected. About a month later, her friend Razel found out that I asked her out, and, after much convincing from Raz and several other ladies in her life, Rebecca said “yes”. Our first “date” was in Dubai: Lunch at the Kempinski Hotel (Tres chic!).
A bit about the UAE: There are seven Emirates in the UAE, each one similar to a US state, as far as government goes. There is a national defence and banking system, but each Emirate largely operates under its own local laws. Dubai is what is regarded as a “moderate” islamic state. Abu Dhabi is under shariah… Not very moderate by any standards and not as moderate as the tourism department may lead you to believe.
Problem: as our relationship developed, we were subject to local laws. No big deal? Well, when you are unmarried and trying to live your lives, it can be a big deal. Think, no holding hands in public, certainly no kissing, and, should you be caught in flagrante delicto by anyone, at any time, official or not, you could face deportation and public lashing (200 lashes for BOTH of you).
We fell in love… Desperately in love. The “once in a lifetime” kind of love. We were willing to take the risks. She cried for hours every time I had to leave town on business. She prayed for strength at the one church in Abu Dhabi. She went to confession and the priest yelled at her, telling her she was going to hell because being with me was a mortal sin. She faced a choice: stay with me or leave me. She stayed. We regarded ourselves a married, even though not yet legal. That feeling is stronger than ever now and grows stronger every day.
Another problem: Her boss, my former business colleague and her sponsor (a BIG deal there), was not happy that she was heavily involved with an American. How unhappy? Well, she was beaten up (It took all my strength and character not to go down there and dispense “cricket bat justice” on that SOB!), and death threats were made against both of us, along with her brother (Who still works for the same company). Remember, this was NOT America, NOT the Philippines… Going to local authorities means you are “fornicating” (Why else would an upstanding Arab male make threats against you unless you are doing something wrong and contrary to Islam?). Not an option. There was very little we could do except what I did: I involved the American Embassy. They made it quite clear to the person involved, in person, that our personal safety was being watched and that if anything were to happen to either of us, there would be the severest consequences. They also stated, very clearly and in NO uncertain terms, that they would represent Rebecca, on my behalf, to the Philippine Embassy. That is why, a few months back, I said in one of Bob’s posts that I will always register with the Embassy. Needless to say, he backed off. We are here in the RP, safe, and continuing our lives. I will reserve comments about the people in the Middle East… They will not be pleasant or appropriate in this forum. Let’s just say that I am bitter, and that, after knowing how Rebecca and other OFWs struggle and are treated, I hold little regard for anyone there.
Finally, last December, I was involved in a traffic accident with a local while Rebecca and her brother were in the car with me. After several hours in the police station, the “investigation”, if you could call it that, determined that charges of “fornication” could be brought against myself and Rebecca. See, she was fully clothed, and nothing was going on. However, we were not married. The only reason those charges were never filed was that her brother was in the car with us.
I will always have the greatest respect towards Becky. She risked, in order to be with me: Personal safety, her family’s welfare, her brother’s job, her personal welfare, her living wage. After we left the UAE and returned to the RP, she faced the adjustments Bob has frequently written about. Not least of which was the following reality: For the first time in her adult life, Rebecca was without a regular salary. Also, for the first time in her life, Becky has a partner who treats her as an equal, with all the respect and love that I can. Money is not an issue, but other issues have arisen. Part of one’s identity is the job that they do. Becky has had to adjust to the fact that I do not regard her as an expense. She has always been self-sufficient. A survivor. Now she is relying on someone else for the first time in her life. That takes a hell of a lot of trust. It is something that we are facing that we never anticipated. Add in differences in social background (She worries if she is “posh” enough for me to introduce her in a business setting… She most certainly is!!!!). Differences in culture. Differences in values. Differences in language and meaning. What keeps us together is love, and it is strong.
Last year, I was introduced to Rebecca’s family. I think of them as my family and worry about their welfare. I realized why Rebecca insisted I visit Abulug first, before accepting my proposal. She was away for 23 years. She NEVER, even for a moment, considered bringing a boyfriend home with her, unless he was THE ONE. Why? Because it would impact her reputation to her family and to the town (Everyone is related there, in some way, shape, or form… Gossip is rampant). Another fact: at that time in our relationship, if either her mother, or older brother, said “NO”, she would have left me, regardless of personal loss or happiness. That cultural thing again. I was accepted, not certain if liked, but accepted.
Fast forward to today. We are having a church wedding. October 8, a Wednesday. Strange day to choose, huh? There is a reason… We are trying our best to keep it simple, and not show off. Very important in order to keep sanity and the requests for money to a minimum. We have told everyone that we do not want any gifts. If they feel they must, help Father Carlos and the local parish. That is very difficult to do in a town the size of Abulug. Especially, since everyone is related, you can’t really invite one and not invite all. So, we are holding a very large lunch, with a very small evening ceremony to follow. 800 to 1,000 for lunch, 20 for the ceremoy. Menu is 8 pigs, 40 chickens, 50kg of buko pandan, cassava cake, wedding cake, and adobo. Traditional Ybanag food, and we are discussing a small band to play the Ybanag songs Becky remembers when she was a little girl. No alcohol (That creates its own problems in a small town). I need to be baptized. We have interviewed, done the paperwork. For a church wedding, the priest must interview you and counsel you. Father Carlos is a nice guy… One of the priests who is trying his best under not the easiest of circumstances. He also seems to really care about the people of Abulug. I need to interview with the Bishop next week for a dispensation, since I am still a pagan in the eyes of the church. No matter. Becky’s faith is important to her and part of who she is, regardless of my feelings, so, I look at it this way: If I love her, I’ll do whatever it takes.
Finally, since it is a church wedding, part of the licence application process (around 500 pesos) is family planning counseling, done at the municipality. Very funny dialogue. The lady sits down (a cousin of Rebecca) and says, “I guess I don’t need to go too much into the ways to plan a family, since you are both over 40.” I looked her straight in the eye and said, “I never learned. Go into great detail and don’t skip bits. How does the bird keep from getting stung by the bee?” The blush on her face and the chuckle from the registrar made it all worthwhile.
Some pictures:
Razel (The one who brought us together... our "Chaperone")
At Piat for prayers
St. Thomas Aquinas Church, Abulug (Where we will be married)
John
I have a friend that did some teaching in the UAE and told how society worked there. While driving, a local ran into the back end of his car. The accident was my friends fault since he was not a Muslim. Alcohol had to be kept well hidden in a locked closet. He made sure witnesses were always present while teaching female students. Later on driving down the road he saw an accident where a local went off the road and rolled the vehicle. Even though he was blocks away from the accident when it happened he did not stop to help since he knew he would be blamed for the accident if he stopped. Just the way society operates in the UAE. Makes the government in the RP look good.
Early congratulations on your wedding
Congratulations John, to you and Rebecca! I hope that you have a wonderful wedding, and a super life together! I feel quite certain that you will!
Larry: Yes, being arrested in a foreign country is one of the most stressful and frightening things that can happen. Even here in the RP, I try to always remember that I am the foreigner here, and the rules are not always the same for me.
Bob: Thank you for your thoughts!
I’m sure Rebecca is a special woman. Congratulations and good luck to both of you.
Hi John M.,
That was a very heart-warming and touching love story. Congratulations and best wishes on your upcoming wedding!
I have never had any desire to visit any Middle Eastern countries. Your story only confirms what I suspected.
Hi John M,Congratulations on reaching your goal,despite a long and troubled journey.Your story i’m sure will act as guidance for many,that we must respect the laws of the land we choose to live in, or as the old saying goes “When in Rome do as the Romans do” regards Chas.
A very wonderful story… And Rebecca seems to be a very unique woman. We wish you good luck… GOD BLESS!!!
Hi John - Really enjoyed reading your love story. It just goes to show that love conquers all. All the best for your future life together.
Marilou, Klaus, Chas, Randall, and Zyla: Thank you all for your wishes!
John and Becky, congratulation and best wishes. John wait till your first child bunyag. those 1000 people will remember your wedding and for sure word of mouth will spread and now you’re talking about feeding the whole municipality of Abulog.John I’m just kidding. I used to remember growing up in the Philippines, me and my buddies used to walk couple kilometers just to eat at weddings or any party [ ken patapus] and we are not even invited.Good luck.
Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you and Rebecca a lifetime of happiness.
[...] we went to City Hall and applied for our marriage license. Just like John Miele mentioned in his most recent post, part of getting married involves the requirement to attend a Family Planning seminar. If you do [...]
The harsh sands of the UAE proved no match to the strength of your bond. Congratulations and best wishes John and Rebecca on your coming marriage.
I can empathize John how Rebecca felt about suddenly being dependent on you almost totally. When I got married to a foreigner and chose to live with him in his country I gave up a career which had afforded me to pay for my own house, car and travels abroad plus other extras. While I love and fully trust my husband who can well take care of me financially, I still cannot shake that feeling of wanting to earn for myself.
This is not only about money John. It is about self-validation. It is about keeping our inner self-confidence, knowing that no matter what, we still can survive on our own. Any person who have worked honestly for what they have in life, can empathize with this, man or woman alike.
I talked openly about this issue with my husband. I have credit cards and can access money in our joint bank accounts. But to me, these do not satisfy my need to preserve a certain sense of self- actualization through my own efforts.
Thus, we agreed that he gives me for a start a fixed small amount of money every month, which I can use any way I want. I can choose to save or invest them, or spend or give them away. My husband joked about this as my “black money”.
I then studied stocks investment and real estate carefully as I find these fields of opportunities very interesting. Thank God for amazon.com. I started with small stakes to test my ideas and my learning curve. Luckily, I did well using my monthly allowance and my own money I got from our former firm. Perhaps, Rebecca can do similarly, in a field which really interests her and where she thinks she can do well.
As to Rebecca´s feeling insecure sometimes about not being “posh” enough, as a woman, I too can empathize with this. How about letting her attend this short programs or finishing schools in Makati or Manila, where they teach you about proper speech and social manners and etiquette in business and social settings, clothes coordination in different social occasions, using multi-layers of glasses and silverwares in formal dinners and galas, what wine goes with what food, etc… Knowing about this basics of “social niceties or polish” will add to her self-confidence in business and social settings.
Of course, you and I know that not all of those “beautiful people” are really that beautiful inside.
My warm wishes and best of luck to both of you!
Congratulations John and Rebecca! My wife and I are in our 40s and have been married for 2 great years. Thanks so much for sharing your story. Hopefully you will always remember the risks taken to be together so trivial problems will pale in comparision. Have a wonderful time on your big day! Tom and Marie
Rey: Very funny. When you are a teenager, wedding Lechon makes a nice afternoon meal!
David and Tom: Thank you for your wishes!
i.m. Schneider: Thank you for the suggestion. I’ll bounce it off Rebecca. You are right about how she feels… Not so much about money as an issue of self-worth and contribution. We all feel good about a “job well-done”. That is why we are trying to get her business generating some income as quickly as possible. We are ok with money on my salary, just like you, but I want her to feel needed and good about herself. It will happen… Just takes time for all the pieces to fit together.
Nice story John! As a little boy, I lived in an ybanag town for about 4 years. I was fluent in the dialect. When we came back to Manila, we all lost the dialect as my mother and father were not ybanag and spoke to us in tagalog. What’s the point of this? With your blog, it brings memories. Imagine I had the best memories of christmas in a town where there was no electricity yet? Before my family moved back to Manila, we went to Our Lady of Piat.
When I first read your blog John, I mistakenly thought of Cagayan as the one in South and not the Cagayan in the North. Although I didn’t actually live in Cagayan but in Cabagan, Isabela, I share kindred spirit for anything ybanag.
John and Rebecca: Congratulations and Best Wishes on Your Wedding Day this coming October 8. May you have an eternal honeymoon! My honeymoon cottage is waiting for you here in Marinduque.
David: Thank you!
Beautiful story, touching.
Came across your story while looking for the easiest process in bringing my Filipina over to Abu Dhabi and having her stay with me. I will be working another couple of years in AD before i can retire and settle in Philippines.
I am Dutch and found my true love while she was out here on family visit and trying to find a job.
I spend some time in her city and with her family and especially her boys. She’s been living alone and kept away from her sons for some years now, this is also Philippines, the laws don’t really protect a mother. I fell in love with her as never before, and trust me, i had 2 wifes and some girlfriends. This is different, she is different, very high IQ, extraordinary sense of humor, very sporty too, did her Scuba just like that first time we go on holliday. Suppressed by her ex, didn’t allow her to develop. Didn’t allow her anything at all actually. Be a housewife and a mother, don’t go out, don’t explore the world. A bird in a cage.
I will let her fly. Everything is possible in Abu Dhabi. Despite the negative comments I read, this is a very westernized country. She can go to university and still make her ambitions come true.
I like the suggestion about ‘black money’. Indeed, she needs means to spend without having to tell me about it. I don’t need to know anyway, just hope she will accept a no-income life for some time and study instead.
Getting a divorce in Phills is a story by itself. We know all about that in the mean time and will cope. Soon she will be my wife. Forever.
John and Rebecca: have a great day on October 8 and be happy forever!
Gert: Best of Luck to you and your fiancee. The negative comments are largely due to our experiences in AUH.
Your PRO or sponsor should be able to assist you with her visa without too much trouble after you are married, couple weeks max assuming her docs are in order and assuming you earn “western level” pay. Before marriage, it will be difficult, if not impossible, for her to be on your visa.
Some suggestions if you move there with her that may make things easier on you both:
1. Have her associate with other Filipinos and make Filipino friends there. Your experience, as a Dutchman is very, very different from what her experience will be like. As you have probably guessed, the UAE labels people and those labels are difficult to overcome. She may very well feel isolated there even if she can spread her wings just because of the way Filipinos are normally treated there. Not trying to be mean, but, as an American, meeting Rebecca in the UAE was a real eye opener for me. Her experience there was not positive, despite the money she made there and her personal growth. The Filipino section of AUH is largely bounded by Hamdan St, Electra Street, Najda Street, and Salam Street. There are a few dozen Filipino stores there, a Filipino Cinema, a pork store (for lechon), a Chow King and a Barrio Fiesta, and most of the balikbayan shippers are around there.
2. Go with her to the Fish market and fruit / vegetable markets in Mina. They are similar to Filipino markets in many ways.
3. IF she decides to work there, make absolutely certain that she wears her wedding ring at work and that her bosses know she is married. (I won’t get into too many details here, but many companies there engage in unsavory practices).
4. On your cable TV, subscribe to TFC so she can watch news from home. (TFC is with ETISALAT)
5. If she gets a driver’s license there, she MUST be very, very, careful while driving. Filipinos are often scapegoats for problems there.
6. Make absolutely all of her documents are in order and that she ALWAYS carries her pataca with her. I have heard of Filipinos being rounded up and deported, no questions asked, no phone calls.
If you have any questions or advice, please feel free to contact me privately using the column link. I truly wish you the best of luck in your new lives together. Mutual love and respect will see you through.
Thanks a lot John, I really appreciate your support and advice.
I have been working in Abu Dhabi 20 months now, and still feel very uncomfortable with the UAE treatment of non-western workers.
I live in Hamdan street and know a few Filipino shops from when she was staying here before. She knew them already from her brother and friends. I think she will be ok within the society she knows.
In my company work several Filipino’s man and woman in respectable jobs. As far as I can judge they are being treated very well including office boy. (except from a very low salary compared to our standards)
I wasn’t aware of the possible bad treatment you are talking about, how dreadful, we have to take precautions as you suggest.
Thanks again and hope we can have another chat some day.
I will update you as things move on.
Have a great October 8 !